my dad passed away last fall
and life went on
too fast
there were factories to re-organize
families to re-build
and big fervent questions like
"what do we do with jon?"

it used to be all
"what do we with george's"
but then she made dean's lists
and called home
and became the perfect daughter
while i
was the kind of son
who would never walk the dog
(assuming we had a dog)
because i hate picking up other people's shit
because i don't want to be like my mother
trailing eternally after me
picking up the responsibilities
left steaming on the pavement

normally i don't like to curse this much
because god said cursing was a sin
and sinning too much
will get you a scenic trip to hell
but thankfully
i don't believe in your god
so i'm going to hell anyway

what the fuck

maybe santa claus is the second coming
because he performs miracles
every christmas
and he gets little kids
and big kids who remain little kids
to believe in him
so yeah, i believe in santa claus
even if his elves work tirelessly
from nine to five
and get paid in imitation keebler cookies
as long as i get my nikes and my kathy lee gifford underwear
on sale
i can't complain much
plus anyone who trades you all five voltron lions
for a plate of cookies and a big glass of milk
must be a saint

but i don't want to talk about santa anymore
because i want to talk about me

because i'm selfish like that
not selfish in a bad "me me me" way
but selfish in a
"i'm the most important person in the universe" way
and that's not so bad
is it?
i'm not being selfish
i'm just being honest

i'm being honest when i say
i'm glad that my unfinished
degree is in philosophy
and not econ or bio
because that would just be construed
as failing
and this way
people assume i had good reasons for leaving
twenty credits short of a diploma

and i'm being honest when i say
that i just want to be a superhero
when i grow up
but i know i'll never make it as a superhero
because superheroes
ride around in batmobiles
and fly through the sky
and swing from rooftop to rooftop on sticky webs
and ride to the rescue in fire red trucks
and all i ever wanted to ride in
was a mercedes

but at least i have a friend who's a superhero
he fights never ending battles
against two evil masterminds
the dangerous duo of
injustice and inequality
and he fights them
armed only with his bare hands
and his bruised knuckles
and his braided locks
while i
i watch from the sidelines
with everyone else
chanting inane things
like "GO babbs!" and "M-V-P! M-V-P!"
as if we were watching a basketball game
and not someone trying to save our lives

i might not cut it as a superhero
but i know how to model
because i'm asian
because i got 1460 percent on my SATs
which makes me smarter than 95.7 percentile of you

so when you say stupid things like
"ching chong ching"
i can holler back with
big multi-symbolic
monosyllable
words like
fuck. off. bitch.
in that particular order

it's kind of nice to rant and rave like this
because normally i just smile invitingly
and nod patiently
while you blabber on and on about yourself

while i ignore what ur saying
to think more about me
and my nasty habit of playing tag with friends
but not the freeze kind
because i want you to run after me
chasing until you're out of breath
chasing until i finally stop
and notice
that you've disappeared
and i have to mentally scream
"i'll be here for you! always!"
instead of saying it
out loud

and i'm being honest when i tell you
i watch porn
with my eyes closed
with the sound off
because i want to believe
that women aren't objects
and that sex doesn't sell
and that boys and girls can be just friends
even if you know they can't

and before you go on thinking
i'm all peaches and cream
let me confess to you now
i plan on peeking

when i skinny dip with a friend
even though we promised not to
and please don't judge me
like you've judged so many others
if i most likely will forget
to tell her that i plan on looking
until afterwards
but she won't get angry
i'm sure
because she peeked too
because we're all immature like that

last of all
i want someone to be honest
at my eulogy
when they say
jon had a beautiful soul
because having a beautiful soul is what it's all about

and i'm what it's all about
so i'm beautiful
dammit