I think what love is really, is a unity of mind. I think that's all it is. Unity of mind. I think your mind is actually a boardroom of executive officers. When you love something or love someone, you have unity of mind. There are no dissenting opinions and the majority rule is the unanimous rule. It’s easy to make choices because you are behind everything.

If you think about it, when you get older, everything is really a political exposition and a series of compromises. I go to work because I have to get paid, I have some sense of responsibility, and the part of me that would rather go have fun, well too bad for them since they are the minority. I go to the gym because I need to stay in shape I have someone to impress, and the part of me that is lazy and doesn't like pain, well too bad for them since they are in the minority. You learn to assign your mind and thinking to different spheres and rarely do you make decisions that you are 100% on board with. Maybe 75 or even low 90s. Maybe when you were little you could.

But I think as an adult and with love, you still can. Feel that 100% unity of mind. Because love has a way of blotting out the mind completely. Unfortunately, the residual effects are temporary and need to be revisited. It's a wave that surges through crests and troughs.

And what do people mean when they say they love someone? Is probably that they have felt that unity of mind, that 100% feeling of decision at one point. But chances are, it’s not like that constantly. It's not a black or white switch that is on or off only, but that light dimmer that you have above your dining room table.

That's why love can seem like the strongest thing in the world. That's the romantic view of it. But I suppose it's true. Love is a great motivator and if you realize how many things you accomplish that are half ass, and how many things you can do without even really wanting or trying, when you really want something your strength is unmatched and unrivaled. When you really really want something, there's no stopping you.

But count the things that you really really 100% want on your fingers...do you even need two hands?

And when you 100% want something it dominates your mind like an obsessive compulsive addiction. It bleeds out of your eyes, and trickles down your body, and sears away the top most layer of your skin. It’s when the slightest of taste lingers in your mouth and your fingers have brushed against them, that in your desperate hunger you chew your whole fucking hand off.

[ esca | 1:37 PM | ]

 

Insecurity is just a childish and immature thing. To elaborate, I think there is a big difference between insecurity and uninformed doubt. Someone who doesn't know if they can speak before a large crowd on stage because they don't know any better and have never tried it, is different from someone who says they don't know if they can speak before a large crowd on a stage because they have a bad feeling.

Insecurity is more a feeling or state of mind then it is a personal assessment of one's standing.I think most people can be objective about themselves, but choose not to. For many different types of reasons. I don't think I can get into law school. No...what you mean is I don't feel I can get into law school. While your thinking mind can easily give a composite probability based on your GPA and LSAT score. Just punch the freaking numbers in, there are tons of websites for this. A 67% chance is not bad at all, and most compulsive gamblers would go for broke on that. But yet even if your "mind" knows these things, you start to present with insecurity, the whole "I don't think I can get into law school and I want you to comfort and cuddle me so that I feel better."

And this applies to everything, the I don't think he/she likes me, the I don't think I'm going to make the team, the I don't think I my outfit looks good...deep down inside, you know the answer. In fact, you won't even listen to someone who's giving an answer that doesn't match the one you want to hear. You will get annoyed or try to argue the person into changing their "advice." An insecure person looks for someone who will both cuddle and stroke them and tell them what they want to hear.

But this is how you don't grow as a person.

The absolute worst is when someone is in a relationship and is insecure about how the other person feels. Especially when you've been in a relationship for a long time. It's a sign you aren't progressing. It's like asking for a person to prove how much they care for you, by jumping off a cliff. If you really love me you would jump.

You can only tear your heart out and give it someone so many times, before the bloody heap burns to ashes.

[ esca | 1:35 PM | ]

 

I hate fat people.

Fuck cuddling fat people, just call them fat and make them cry and do whatever “horrid” things that they imagine the rest of the world doing to them anyways. Fat people are always blaming anything except themselves as the cause for their condition. Believe it or not, you can lose weight if you actually try at it. It maybe the hardest thing that you’ve every accomplished, but would that be so bad?

Fat people give americans a bad name, in a world where image does mean a lot and the image that fat americans give europeans(who eat smaller portions) and africans(who starve) and asians(who have good metabolisms but like to think less of americans anyways and will use this as an excuse) is that we are indolent and lazy, we are unattractive and gluttons, and that we have no discipline or self-control. I’m sorry, I’m not fat, and I won’t want to be grouped with the rest of them. The rest of the world that is in shape has to work to stay that way too, nothing ever comes from free in this world.

You used to be skinny as a teenager, but got fat after drinking and getting older? Boo fucking hoo. People are starving in third world countries, they would sell their bodies to be you. I bet you never used to work at it when you were young either, wistfully longing for that mystical time in your life when being skinny just meant waking up in the morning. Of course you have to work at it now. You don’t have enough time? Then prioritize, or live with the consequences. I mean if you’re happy with the way you are, the by all means, live out your life, although please stand on the other side of the room when it comes to general social gatherings, the odor emanating from your sweat stains is beyond foul and it’s nauseating just to look at you.

If your genetics are bad, I’m sorry, that just means you gotta work harder than the average person, and I’ll grant you that much more slack during your effort, and give you that much more credit if you make it. But if you don’t, you don’t get a cookie. You just lose.

Cry me a fucking river.

[ esca | 11:15 PM | ]

 

Here’s why if you’re a girl, you should be materialistic, and you should care about how much money a guy makes and how successful of a career he has. You can’t make things happen, but you can make opportunities, and a guy needs to be able to make his own opportunities.

When you’re young, you have potential, and some companies and positions hire on potential alone. After the age of thirty, those openings seal up. Entry level jobs are actually “age” denied and discriminated against older people.

Why is this the case? It is because of two reasons, first, because most companies prefer to obscure individual rankings. This is all intentional and designed as an overall plan to deny individuals’ promotions and pay raises until the last possible moment. People always want to be paid more, especially if they think others at their level are getting more. At most companies, you know who are your immediate bosses are and if you are capable enough, who your immediate underlings are as well. But beyond that, it’s probably a blur. The second principle is that leadership qualities and age fill in for the “missing” gaps in ranking. People are conditioned to respond better to directions from older people. If you’re old and in an entry level position, you can sometimes feign rank and give orders to younger people around you. And this is not good when you don’t know what you are doing.

So once you reach thirty, entry to mid level positions that you maybe qualified for…they go away. Old people with young people jobs screw up hierarchies, more so than young people with old people jobs, the latter can be tolerated. The former? Well, they don’t take orders well, they are grouchy, they think they need benefits, and they are a more expensive version of college interns.

So dump the surfer pretty boy I want to relax and enjoy life for a bit type of buy before he gets his act together. Because he’s probably not going to, or by the time he does, he’ll be stuck with clerkship, service, and medial desk labor for the rest of his life, and that’s with a B.S. from a credited university. There’s a big difference from a career, and a career wage earner.

And why does money count? Besides the obvious flash, and fun, the lack of money is devastating to couples. If you want to have a family, you gotta have money. If a guy can’t support a luxurious single life, he’s probably not capable of supporting a comfortable couple life, nor a meager family life with children and houses and pets and pools and vacations and schools. The number one root cause of problems leading to divorce? Money. Is that the way it should be? Probably not, but that’s the way it is. Anybody that says money doesn’t matter has either really low expectations, or is just not aware of reality.

[ esca | 10:56 PM | ]

 

I went up to the Getty up in LA for the first time over the weekend. There was a Cezanne impressionistic exhibit as the feature attraction. I saw it and looked at his paintings, but unfortunately, I don't think I "got" it. All his paintings are quaint and have names like "still life with blue pot"(which is his famous one) or "still life with apples and pears" or "still life with apples and glass of water." 70% of his paintings dealt with apples. They were mostly watercolors and a couple of oil paintings. Cezanne is one of the first painters to perfect watercolors and also the ability to layer watercolors on top of each other without ruining the underlying color scheme. He was considered a genius and a visionary.

Still, looking at his work, it reminded me of watercolors that I did as a kid, the kind that you did in tear-out books you bought from the supermarket. I'm not saying he sucked, or that I was good, but I'm saying I lack the ability to discern between good and bad when it comes to watercolors.

When it comes to paintings, I just like stuff that looks pretty, has a lot of colors, and looks like its something I would not be able to do. Nothing turns me more off from a piece of art than if it appears that I could reproduce it. Which throws out for me a lot of modern art and some impressionistic art. I mean, granted modern art is more the "creative vision" than necessarily the creative work, but I mean, if someone else gave me the idea, I could stack a bunch of campbell soup cans together and take a picture of it. How hard is that?

Although I like impressionistic paintings. They are very trippy. I've always wondered...were all those french impressionists on hallucinogens while painting? Or even cooler, could it be that those artists just naturally "saw" the world that way? They say a true creative genius is one that "sees" the world differently, and sometimes must suffer from loneliness because of it. A person who is a "musical genius" hears the world differently than normal people, with the ability to discern tones and subtle changes in pitches that other people just miss.

Likewise, someone who is mathematically talented, can just "see" patterns and solutions that shoot up from problems. Some people can read code like one could read sheet music, and look at long lines of coded text and visualize object models and behavioral tendencies in their mind. Just like a deaf man could write one of the most renowned of musical symphonies of all time while never hearing a single note, some people just can "see" things in a totally different light than we can.

What happens if a painter is just someone who can "see" the world different from the rest of us? What looks like regular white to us, looks white with grey, yellow and a shade of blue to them? What if someone as crazy and visionary as Van Gogh with all his life and all his work was just a desperate attempt to try to show the rest of the world, what he saw from his eyes every single day of his life? That he was not exercising artistic imagery, but just what he saw in his own warped reality?

In his madness and his loneliness and his genius.

[ esca | 5:44 PM | ]

 

Ken Caminiti passed away of a heart attack. Ostensibly, it was drug related, as he's recently been in the headlines with drug affliated issues.

I'm torn. I really liked the guy a lot, he was a hero as a Padre. The archetypical tough guy. A rock, burly and mean, and the steroids.

I even got his autograph once, and his baseball card. Unfortunately, the autograph wasn't on the card. It was on some comic book poster for this series he was promoting. At the comic con. Yeah, my first and only actually, autograph.

Good bye cammy.

[ esca | 11:09 PM | ]