[ Friday, January 02, 2004 ]
 
there are times when the relationships i'm engaged in become struggles in my heart. its at these times that i wonder about my own capacity t love, and how much my capacity lacks. i'm talking about the balance between and the intensity of love of G-d, family, and self. i don't have friends, everyone is family. but i think about and am overwhelmed by how much i can't give in return for what i receive from so many different directions and so many different people. this xams season, i've received what i've always wanted, just like i blessedly do every year, i've received life affirming warmth given to me by those that love me. and that is something i could NEVER THANK ANYONE ENOUGH FOR!!!!! for it is that WARMTH that brings me to life and gives me strength. it is that warmth keeps going. it is that warmth that strengthens my love and faith in G-d, us, and self. it is that warmth that i thank everyone that i can't call right now, everyone i can't be with, everyone i can't chill with before i go back to oakland for. when i'm not able to give back what i've received, it hurts me a great deal. when i don't have the time to call or chill or kick it, how do i, with all of who i am, say thank you? for the words and sentiments of encouragement, for the drums, for the sanctuary of a kitchen, for the drum lessons, for the memories forever etched, for the plane tickets, for the CDs, for the radio, for the shit we know we need to give one another, for the pair of shoes, for the uplifting conversation, for peaceful sustaining assurance, for sharing in a jam session, for the well wishes, for the smile shared over the phone, for the money for food, for the present we have and future we'll share in, for the money for rent, for the understanding given, for the patience exhibited, for the divinely given grace and mercy, for the ever present love, how can i ever say thank you enough? and, why, when i feel like i can't give back, do i feel that i have to let you know that i, at times, weep in utter appreciation for who we are and what we share with one another?

Please,

Receive this Love
how ever
you want to.

In all ways,
it is always

Here.

It is unimposing,
unreal,
unchanging,
unconditional.

It is...

Like Yours.

i'mpurity @ 4:58 PM


[ Tuesday, December 23, 2003 ]
 
for today, i pretended that this blog was a page in my notebook....what you can't see are the backspaces, deletions, and edit+cut+pastes all over the place....sometimes i ask myself, why take the time to create anything if what you get is what you get? especially when what you get doesn't look like anything close to being salvagable...but determining what is and isn't salvagable is largely affected by what you're looking for.....when looking at something or someone, what all do you look for? what all do you look to receive? when effort on your part is required to search for validity/value/meaning, is the exertion of your effort made? does there ever come a point when you give up and say there is nothing valuable to find in this/him/her/me? this is my notebook, this is where my words go to play and my thoughts stumble like frat boys lacking all cooridnation to dance.....

music makes my mournings go down a little easier

as silent nights stomach
long too looming
afternoons melody me
into Earth
tones touch me beneath
mahogany melanin

i am my life is
the movement
of my sound's voice
and my color's skin
a rough draft, my words
in a trance of sorts
listening to conun(on)drums will never be a final say

the seeping of light
the sun sets my sight
on a harmony of hopes and dreams
a cacophony between the you within me

an embarking in-to-day
an undertaking of path-and-way conundrums

in time, i walk

at the pace
of an hour's next step
a second's guest breath


i said what i bled think better i in ink
and read the rubrics written in better ink think i in
a bitten pen in ink i better think
to prove i attend i ink better think in
rhyme development classes i think better in ink
at the universety
condensation
drops of rain came to mind while
ayn rand distills my reasoning
i chant prayers as rhymes
and rhymes as prayers
gray clouds shrowd disguising love as letters
the eyes of a crowd put together to
give a language to languid cares

my endeavors are my words
incessantly waiting
for the acts of the Apostles
to perfrom an encore healing in a beloved's arms
there aren't
excuses
any more
waiting in the wings sound in color
while angels flap their own
singing of divine woe
and chairots swinging low balls of anger wrecklessly thrown
break windows of the soul
eyes shatter
and cry
not knowing why
they see life
and others see dye
of death stain the color of their everything-less sky
woes wake me
a symphony of resolution
a world's blues with an overture of pain
blackens brooding (Billie) holiday spirit
moving so sullenly a resonance of heaven's scent
you can't even feel it remains
til you suddenly hear it as we remember her essence
and utter her name

overwhelm all senses

an embarking in-to-day
an undertaking of path-and-way

the day writes me in a moment
and a moment into a song
i live in rhythm
and breathe to
hum along-side the riding echoes of wind breeze
and ancient truth

timeless like using a simile
to describe youth


just because i am unheard
does not mean i am unsaid

i am afraid to write freely
but what's a free write with no words
and so goes the plight of my nerves
ending in curbed understanding
and slanted acceptance

coming back into perspective
are the phone calls i have to make
the laundry i have to wash
the season i love to celebrate
the new year's resolution i'll break to make
this evening's plans
my mother's presence
this blog's freedumb
and my dog's smile.....wolfy is the illest!!!

i know ya'll think me crazy.....

i'mpurity @ 4:52 PM


[ Monday, November 24, 2003 ]
 
don't call it a comeback...

comin soon....

blogs from i'mpurity...

i'mpurity @ 8:07 PM