Friday, January 02, 2004 ]
there are times when the relationships i'm engaged in become struggles in my heart. its at these times that i wonder about my own capacity t love, and how much my capacity lacks. i'm talking about the balance between and the intensity of love of G-d, family, and self. i don't have friends, everyone is family. but i think about and am overwhelmed by how much i can't give in return for what i receive from so many different directions and so many different people. this xams season, i've received what i've always wanted, just like i blessedly do every year, i've received life affirming warmth given to me by those that love me. and that is something i could NEVER THANK ANYONE ENOUGH FOR!!!!! for it is that WARMTH that brings me to life and gives me strength. it is that warmth keeps going. it is that warmth that strengthens my love and faith in G-d, us, and self. it is that warmth that i thank everyone that i can't call right now, everyone i can't be with, everyone i can't chill with before i go back to oakland for. when i'm not able to give back what i've received, it hurts me a great deal. when i don't have the time to call or chill or kick it, how do i, with all of who i am, say thank you? for the words and sentiments of encouragement, for the drums, for the sanctuary of a kitchen, for the drum lessons, for the memories forever etched, for the plane tickets, for the CDs, for the radio, for the shit we know we need to give one another, for the pair of shoes, for the uplifting conversation, for peaceful sustaining assurance, for sharing in a jam session, for the well wishes, for the smile shared over the phone, for the money for food, for the present we have and future we'll share in, for the money for rent, for the understanding given, for the patience exhibited, for the divinely given grace and mercy, for the ever present love, how can i ever say thank you enough? and, why, when i feel like i can't give back, do i feel that i have to let you know that i, at times, weep in utter appreciation for who we are and what we share with one another?
Receive this Love how ever you want to.
In all ways, it is always
It is unimposing, unreal, unchanging, unconditional.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003 ]
for today, i pretended that this blog was a page in my notebook....what you can't see are the backspaces, deletions, and edit+cut+pastes all over the place....sometimes i ask myself, why take the time to create anything if what you get is what you get? especially when what you get doesn't look like anything close to being salvagable...but determining what is and isn't salvagable is largely affected by what you're looking for.....when looking at something or someone, what all do you look for? what all do you look to receive? when effort on your part is required to search for validity/value/meaning, is the exertion of your effort made? does there ever come a point when you give up and say there is nothing valuable to find in this/him/her/me? this is my notebook, this is where my words go to play and my thoughts stumble like frat boys lacking all cooridnation to dance.....
music makes my mournings go down a little easier
as silent nights stomach long too looming afternoons melody me into Earth tones touch me beneath mahogany melanin
i am my life is the movement of my sound's voice and my color's skin a rough draft, my words in a trance of sorts listening to conun(on)drums will never be a final say
the seeping of light the sun sets my sight on a harmony of hopes and dreams a cacophony between the you within me
an embarking in-to-day an undertaking of path-and-way conundrums
in time, i walk
at the pace of an hour's next step a second's guest breath
i said what i bled think better i in ink and read the rubrics written in better ink think i in a bitten pen in ink i better think to prove i attend i ink better think in rhyme development classes i think better in ink at the universety condensation drops of rain came to mind while ayn rand distills my reasoning i chant prayers as rhymes and rhymes as prayers gray clouds shrowd disguising love as letters the eyes of a crowd put together to give a language to languid cares
my endeavors are my words incessantly waiting for the acts of the Apostles to perfrom an encore healing in a beloved's arms there aren't excuses any more waiting in the wings sound in color while angels flap their own singing of divine woe and chairots swinging low balls of anger wrecklessly thrown break windows of the soul eyes shatter and cry not knowing why they see life and others see dye of death stain the color of their everything-less sky woes wake me a symphony of resolution a world's blues with an overture of pain blackens brooding (Billie) holiday spirit moving so sullenly a resonance of heaven's scent you can't even feel it remains til you suddenly hear it as we remember her essence and utter her name
overwhelm all senses
an embarking in-to-day an undertaking of path-and-way
the day writes me in a moment and a moment into a song i live in rhythm and breathe to hum along-side the riding echoes of wind breeze and ancient truth
timeless like using a simile to describe youth
just because i am unheard does not mean i am unsaid
i am afraid to write freely but what's a free write with no words and so goes the plight of my nerves ending in curbed understanding and slanted acceptance
coming back into perspective are the phone calls i have to make the laundry i have to wash the season i love to celebrate the new year's resolution i'll break to make this evening's plans my mother's presence this blog's freedumb and my dog's smile.....wolfy is the illest!!!